transformation breeds rebirth

when i arrived in the city of saint paul in the fall of 2007

i weighed 250 pounds
i'd never had a girlfriend or had sex
my sign language skills were marginal at best
i'd never lived outside of new york state for longer than 2 months
i hated my body
i hated being alone and i felt lonely all the time
i dreamed of the life i wanted to lead but was too scared to take the steps to lead it

now, months before my departure from this city

i am petty damn close to fluent in american sign language
i've gone through 2ish interesting and turbulent relationships from which i've learned and grown a lot
i've lost 84.2 pounds
i learned to value the time i have alone
i no longer feel fat or hate my body
i've started a real life non-profit organization which has the potential to make a real difference in this world about something i love more than anything else.
and i'm now actively living a version of the life i always wanted to live but couldn't before. meaning: i bike all the time, i eat fresh produce like it's my job, i feel healthy and capable, i'm involved in my community though community ed classes and choir, i'm composting even though it takes a lot of work to do it in an apartment, i have more energy so i can give more to the kids i work with, my friends, my studies, and myself.

i feel like a fraction of the person who arrived here and that this transformation is very near complete. i have 20 pounds left to lose and 5 months worth of language to study. by the time february rolls around and it is time for me to do my ten week internship i think i will be completely ready to wipe off all the remnants of the caity that was and start again in a totally new place as the caity who is, and nothing else.

new orleans louisiana. new orleans louisiana. new orleans louisiana.
being there represents completing the processes of changing from the scared incapable girl i was, to the strong and confident woman i am; without hang ups or reminders of past weaknesses. being there is to look forward and face to the sun, alone and okay.